5 Reasons You Don’t Love Your Husband… And Whether Therapy Will Help
Everything from attraction to empathic ruptures!
Many women struggle with feeling like they don’t love their husbands. Here are some of the most common reasons I hear about and whether I believe that therapy could help!
You’re not attracted to him. I discuss this issue in depth here. If you were never attracted to your husband, then you likely thought others of his attributes compensated for this, and now you no longer are sure that they can. If you used to be attracted to him, but no longer are, there could be many reasons for this. Perhaps weight gain or other changes in his looks have rendered him unappealing to you. You could be suffering from depression which often means a lack of attraction/interest in anyone. You could be attracted to someone else, which makes him seem worse in comparison. Individual therapy can help you figure out what is going on at a deeper level. Don’t drag your husband to couples counseling just to tell him you’re not attracted to him, as that is hurtful and useless. First, explore what is at the root of it on your own.
He hurt you years ago, and you’ve never gotten over it. I discuss empathic ruptures here and what happens when you can’t resolve them here. Often, women become less likely to forgive a husband for past hurts, e.g., infidelity, violence, emotional abuse, and so forth, when their hormones change and their “caretaking” estrogen levels drop. At this point, the woman is ready to walk away and genuinely feels no love for her husband anymore. Couples counseling can sometimes turn this around, but it can only work if the man has genuinely changed and the couple still has motivation to stay together.
He has untreated mental issues. At a certain point, it is very difficult to remain loving toward a person who struggles with untreated depression (especially as this often manifests in men as anger), ADHD, addiction, or OCPD, ot any other unaddressed emotional issue that makes him very difficult to get along with. Walking on eggshells is very hard, and at a certain point, it is inadvisable to remain with a partner who will not take the steps necessary to address severe mental health issues. In this case, couples counseling can help ONLY IF the man is open to being called out by the couples therapist and then can start his own individual work. If after a few couples session, the therapist is asking the man to, let’s say, get into individual work focused on his depression, and he continues denying that he is depressed, it may be time to think about whether you can ever be a healthy person while remaining in this situation.
Your self esteem has improved to the point that his mean behavior is no longer bearable. If you used to put up with your husband’s insults, criticisms, controlling behavior, threats, or mockery because you didn’t love yourself enough to understand why you deserved better, and then you work on yourself, you may have an epiphany that you should no longer remain in a dynamic with someone who mistreats you. You may also recognize that it is not healthy to expose your kids to this dynamic. In this case, therapy, or introspection of some sort, has already helped you. You can offer to see if your husband can turn his behavior around by working on himself, but if this hasn’t worked yet, then it is in fact healthy for you not to love someone anymore who mistreats you. Here and here are examples of such dynamics.
Your husband is emotionally unavailable and you recognize that you were always hoping he would change. I discuss this type of man here and here. Many women with low self esteem were in love with an idea… the idea of who their husband could turn into if and when he finally “opened up.” At some point, they may realize that their avoidant, closed off husband is what he is. At this point, couples counseling may help if the man finally takes her seriously and works to figure out why he is cold and distant. However, if a man has been this way for many decades and from before earliest memory, this may be a long and difficult journey for the couple. However, I have seen men finally address their avoidant attachment and grow more invested in the relationship only when their wife is actually on the verge of leaving!
If this post resonates with you, use it as a springboard for further introspection and self-reflection. With hard work, I have seen couples come back from the brink, but this is not easy. The first step may be figuring out which of these reasons is at play for you, and whether you have the energy and motivation to begin the difficult work of trying to bring love back! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Sometimes People Even Repair After Separation!
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis, and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.
How often have you seen all five in the same couple? I wouldn’t be surprised if they are correlated with each other.