Attachment Overview: Cliffs Notes About Attachment Styles!
Some of you are unsure what each attachment style means. Here's a brief overview!
Attachment theory is a tremendous field of research that is fascinating to learn about, it started in the 1960’s. It basically stated that the way our parent/primary caregiver interacts with us when we are young determines how we will interact within relationships for the rest of our lives.
Securely attached kids learn that their parent is both there for comfort when the baby wants it, but also allows him to explore when he wants to do that. The caregiver can balance between being a secure base for the child, and encouraging his independence, and her attunement to the child’s cues allows her to determine whether they need comfort and security, or want to play independently. This parenting experience allows the baby to grow into an adult who can be confident and independent within romantic relationships, but is also adept at giving and receiving love and comfort. This is ideal, and allows this securely attached child to become a healthy and securely attached partner.
Now let’s turn to the types of insecure attachment.
Anxious/preoccupied attachment is thought to come from a pattern of parenting where the primary caregiver does not respond in an attuned way to the child. The child learns the parent might leave or be distant at any moment, so they are hypervigilant in trying to keep her attention on him, and angry that the parent is unreliable. This also happens when a parent is intrusive, always getting in baby’s face to play or interact when the child just wants to relax.
When these children grow up, they become preoccupied in their adult relationships. They always want to be close, text constantly, and worry whether their partner really loves them. Their relationship is paramount to them and they usually choose to spend time with their partner over anything else, but the time together can be fraught with conflict.
Avoidant attachment is the opposite pattern. This stems from when kids learn that their parent would prefer that they just go and play on their own and be independent, and there is not much emphasis on comfort or soothing. These children become avoidant adults who doesn’t seem to need anyone, can take or leave falling in love, and value friends, career, and hobbies over relationships. They think of feelings as messy and prefer sex to verbal or emotional displays of affection.
Children who are abused or neglected develop disorganized attachment, where they fear closeness while they yearn for it.
As adults, they become fearful-avoidant. These are the people who act dramatic, volatile, and difficult within relationships, because they do not trust closeness and are drawn to partners who confirm their view about the world: that people cannot be trusted to care for you. They test their partners and there are frequent break ups, threats, and infidelity.
Unfortunately, preoccupied and avoidant partners find each other- each confirms the other’s view about the world. Preoccupied people expect others not to want them around and to be unreliable, and avoidant partners assume relationships will be smothering and overwhelming. So a perfect storm is created when these people meet each other. Other terms for this pattern are pursuer and distancer.
People with anxious attachment often use sex as a way to get a partner and keep them. They use sex to reassure themselves that their partner loves them and is committed to them. Avoidant attachment people often use sex as a way to get stimulation or sensation, and do not often link sex to feelings of love. Securely attached people use sex for both expressing love and closeness and to seek fun and stimulation.
Here are all my attachment podcasts in one easy-to-listen-to place!
And if you are in a pursuer-distancer relationship, we would love to help at my practice! Reach out here:
If this all interests you, read about how attachment panic makes you and your spouse fight. And for even more background, read the book Hold Me Tight. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who is a Better Alternative to a Psych101 Class.
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Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you agree that I have no liability and you cannot sue me. This information is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.