Midlife Crises In Women
An overview of what I see in practice when hormones, psychology, and stage of life all collide!
Many of my clients of both genders struggle with figuring out the meaning of their life once they hit their 40’s… the classic age for a “midlife crisis.” Women in particular are dealing with a major biological change, perimenopause (listen to “All About Perimenopause” for an in-depth discussion), which massively impacts their worldview and self-concept. There are many benefits of perimenopause and menopause, but certainly many negatives as well. When enough of these negatives combine with a life that doesn’t feel authentic or fulfilling, a midlife crisis is created.
There are many women who were told by family and society that if they followed a certain script, they would end up happy and successful. This usually means marriage and kids, and for some women means a stable and well paying (by the of metric their family/culture) career as well. Women are also supposed to be attractive, social, and engaged in their family and community, which can mean involvement in the PTA, religious organizations, neighborhood associations, and so forth. You are supposed to know how to cook, clean, and decorate a home, and you are supposed to be able to parent your kids with calmness and warmth (even if you have no template for doing so). I discuss the different expectations for men and women in the home/kids sphere here.
When these women hit midlife, their estrogen drops, the hormone which is responsible for the desire to take care of others. This leads to a waning desire to people please, to worry about what others think, and to devote themselves to the marriage and family. Further, their kids are older, and the stress of parenting teenagers can be overwhelming and depressing; it is often a lot of parenting labor with minimal rewards. Older kids are not spending a lot of time at home, and may not act very nice when they are there. Women at midlife no longer feel believe that taking care of others is their reason for being on the planet, and they lose patience more readily with difficult marriages and partners who do not do their share. They are more interested in figuring out their contribution to the world outside of their families and marriages, which makes sense given the switch at midlife from a focus on relationships to a focus on impact on the world. In that linked post, I write:
People in their 20’s and 30’s are in a very different stage of life psychologically, as evidenced by looking at Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development (which you may remember if you took psychology classes in college!). There are eight stages in his model, and at 40, people tend to move from one to the next:
Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adult years from 18 to 40)
Stage 7: Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle age from 40 to 65)
The central question of the Intimacy vs Isolation stage is “Will I be loved?” This is very different from the central question of the Generativity vs Stagnation stage, which is “How can I contribute to the world?” It is interesting how many people think that it is totally normal and healthy for their teenager to act much different than their child, but chafe against the idea that it is just as normal and healthy for a midlife adult to act differently and have different motivators and core values than a younger adult. I discuss more about this idea here and here. The core motivator for most healthy midlife adults is to make an impact in the world, outside of finding and maintaining an intimate relationship. Recognizing that this is a normal shift can be eye opening for many couples.
Given the psychological shift at midlife for both genders, women who were focused primarily on taking care of their families will have a more significant change than men who are more often already focused on career and their roles outside the family. Even a woman who has a very active career still tends to shape her work life around the needs of her children than her husband usually does; more women work part time, and men work more hours than women. The gender pay gap is mostly apparent during the years that women have children at home, which makes sense as that’s when women work less. According to Pew Research, “[T]he gender gap in workplace activity is greater among those who have children at home than among those who do not. For example, among those ages 35 to 44, 94% of fathers are active in the workforce, compared with 75% of mothers — a gap of 19 percentage points. But among those with no children at home in this age group, 84% of men and 78% of women are active in the workforce — a gap of 6 points.”
However, when kids leave home, or virtually leave home because they are teenagers with cars, jobs, and constant social and extracurricular activity, women often find themselves at loose ends and curious about how else they could be spending their limited time on earth. Many women at this stage think about a career change, go back to school, or start to work a lot more. They may no longer feel that they are making the best use of their time. Instead, they think that it is finally their time to improve their own mental and physical health, or decide to make more impact on their communities at large through work or volunteering (or philanthropy, if they have more money.) They want to get the most “bang for their buck” in their life choices, which often means they turn to therapy, exercise, dietary changes, or quitting drinking in the quest to improve the quality of their remaining decades on the planet.
When women have been the preoccupied attachment partner, pursuing an avoidant husband, this starts to feel like the worst possible use of their time and energy. As women’s sex drives are lower at midlife (except when single, as everyone’s drive is up then, which likely led to the myth that “women’s sexual prime is in their 40’s”), and their focus on intimate relationships go down, they have zero patience with pursuing an emotionally unavailable partner at this stage. Often, this leads to the end of their marriages, as discussed here:
Women’s friendships and family relationships also shift at midlife. They are tired of friendships where they feel they give more than they get, and are often done being the organizer of all family events. They are sometimes subconsciously taking a break in between a child’s bar/bat-mitzvah or Sweet 16 or graduation party and that child’s eventual wedding, which they assume they will help with planning. They are tapped out by the idea of (literally) catering to others in a big way, and would rather spend their time in more intimate interactions with their kids and closest friends than going to or planning large events. Many decide to use their limited free time in traveling to see other parts of the world instead of spending that time with large groups. This is particularly true for women who are more introverted, but have been trying their best to be more extroverted for their kids’ benefit for years.
Midlife is a wonderful time to get into therapy. It is an ideal moment to start thinking about the narrative of your life so far, and how you want the second half of your life to look. Men and women grapple with larger existential issues of meaning-making at this stage, thinking about who you have been as a parent, partner, and more, and what legacy you want to leave when you can no longer be as active in the world, and when you eventually die. Many people truly realize that life is finite in a different way than they ever really felt it to be, which can influence how they parent, work, and live. One great book that impacted my own views on work and money at midlife is Die With Zero, which I discuss below:
If this post resonated with you, use it for some deeper reflection about your feelings about midlife and the meaning of your life. Journal on these topics and address with your therapist. What is most important to you at this stage and what are you doing about prioritizing it? Does your day to day life feel authentic to you? What can you change if not? And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Midlife Can Be An Awakening!
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.