The Big Picture Reframe: Is Your Relationship More Important Than This Argument?
When having an argument, ask yourself, is it worth it to win this argument and lose the marriage? Is our relationship more important than winning this fight?
In couples counseling, I often see couples who seem willing to fight to the death (at least metaphorically) about certain hot button issues. This can include parenting, finances, in-laws, sex, or anything else that is important to both partners. Although both people seem completely resistant to change, they will often agree, when directly asked, that this one issue would not be worth divorcing over. How do we reconcile this with the fact that, in actuality, unresolved issues like this do end up leading to divorce?
In the moment, couples often find it difficult to zoom out and view their problem from a greater distance. They find it hard to think things like “This is literally the hundredth time this year that we have had this same argument, and if things keep going in this direction, our marriage will end. Therefore, this argument is an inflection point: we can choose to continue heading toward divorce, or we can behave differently in this moment and decide to grow closer.”
For couples struggling with having the same fight over and over again, or who fight continuously about “different” things (although usually it’s the same fight in different forms), it can be very useful to learn to zoom out and view the fight through a wider lens. When having an argument, ask yourself, is it worth it to win this argument and lose the marriage? Is our relationship more important than winning this fight?
Most couples believe that having a happy, close, and fulfilling marriage is more important than winning any given fight. Some people still don’t have the impulse control to stop the fight in its tracks, but hopefully in most couples, at least one of the partners does. This person should try to stop the escalation, stop trying to win the fight, and say, “Our relationship is more important to me than this fight. I will bite the bullet if you want and you can ‘win’ or else we can just move on and have a nice day/night. I love you.” Often, the other partner, when faced with this perspective (but only if it is genuine and not seen as a tactic to win!) will agree to move on and may not even want to “win” after all.
Focusing on this broader definition of whether or not an argument is worth it can help you and your partner recognize how insignificant certain issues are in the larger context of the marriage as a whole. Learning to break out of a conflictual, resentment filled dynamic can make you feel closer, calmer, more mature, and proud of yourselves as a couple. The partner who initiates the big-picture frame will feel proud of their ability to reroute the couple away from another terrible fight. The other partner may feel more secure and loved because their partner offered to give up the opportunity to “win” out of love for them. As a wonderful bonus, if children overhear this type of resolution between their parents, they learn to be big picture thinkers as well as kinder and more loving intimate partners later in life.
Now, keep in mind that some people reading this do not think that it is in fact more important to win the fight than preserve the relationship. This perspective likely means one of a few things about yourself and your marriage:
The issue that you’re fighting about is extremely important, and is evidence of a large scale incompatibility. Giving up this fight would in fact not be possible, as it is majorly important to you and your value system.
You have no idea how NOT to fight. You grew up around marital discord and you can’t even conceive of conceding your side in an argument.
You are done with the marriage and have no true desire to preserve it.
Therapy can help with at least the first two of these possibilities, and possibly the third as well. There are some fights that partners need to resolve in order to move on, whether alone or together. But if you’re just fighting because you don’t know any other option, you and your partner (and your kids, if you have them) deserve better than this. You can learn a new way of thinking about fighting, and can get yourself out of an unhealthy, conflictual, and frustrating paradigm. If this post resonates with you, share it with your partner and/or reach out to a therapist. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Nobody Deserves To Be Locked In Constant Battle.
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.