Understanding Your Partner And What They Need Opens Them Up In Ways You Never Believed Possible!
Or: if you speak their love language, the sky's the limit for happiness and closeness in your marriage!
When discussing the importance of sex within marriage, I frequently say that if a man (or higher libido partner) feels his love language of touch/sex is prioritized, he will do a whole lot of extra stuff around the house, he will be happier, and he will overall really do anything the woman wants. Read this for more. However, most men don’t realize that the inverse is true: if you fulfill a woman’s deepest needs emotionally, then she will also do a lot more than you ever thought.
Some men think that their main value is being a workhorse who provides money and childcare. They believe that their wives dole out sex based on whim, and that there is no way to escape this dynamic. However, as I frequently discuss, there are plenty of men that aren’t in this dynamic at all, as I discuss in the podcast episode Remember There Are Also Men Who Do Nothing And Barely Work And Still Get Women. How does this happen?
Certainly, some women with men who do nothing are very unhappy and reenacting dynamics they observed in their family of origin. However, some women will put up with a lot of bother and inconvenience, including working more, doing all the chores, and managing the money, all things that they don’t want to be doing, because a man fulfills them by acting in ways that they value on a deeper level, such as being very romantic and making them feel emotionally prioritized. Women will give and do almost anything for an emotionally present partner, in the way that men will give and do almost anything for a loving sexual relationship.
This explains why second marriages are often to people that surprise the ex-partner. For example, a divorced man who was convinced that his ex-wife prioritized his income or prestigious education/career over anything will be surprised to see that in her second marriage, she is happy with a man who has less formal education and makes a lot less money. (Even in the increasingly common situation where the wife does not get or want alimony or child support because there is a 50-50 custody split.) Another common example is when a woman who thought that the man prioritized her self-reliance and ability to manage the home/kids on her own while he engaged in his hobbies all weekend sees him create a happy second family post-divorce with a wife who depends on him completely for help with childcare and demands a lot more involvement from him in all regards.
In both these situations, the ex-partner is likely getting their deepest needs met by their new spouse, which means that they will do many other things that cause them more stress, and may do so very happily. For instance, the divorced man in the first example may not understand that his ex-wife will do anything for her new husband that calls her the most beautiful woman in the world and brings home flowers regularly, because she always yearned to be prioritized and cared for in this way. The woman in the second example may not understand that her ex’s new wife is giving him a loving sexual relationship, which makes him happy to spend his weekends around the house. Both of these people may have dismissed their ex’s needs for romance or sex, not understanding that fulfilling these would have kept the marriage alive and happy.
If this post spoke to you, share it with your partner and ask if it is true. If you gave them whatever their need is, might they surprise you by being completely different in other ways that would be important to you? This is a great conversation starter to help you more deeply empathize with one another’s deepest needs and desires. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, People Will Happily Sacrifice For Their Kids, Which Shows They Have The Capacity To Happily Sacrifice For A Spouse Under The Right Circumstance!
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.