When You Are Scared Of Your Kids
a taboo feeling that many don't discuss.
One taboo feeling that I have previously addressed is not liking your kids. Another equally common one is being scared of your kids. No, not a fear that they will physically hurt you (except in the case of kids who are violent), but scared of one or all of the following:
That they will be loud and whine/scream/fight to the point that you fear that you will lose control and yell or spank them
They will behave in an out of control way and you will not know how to discipline them or even how to keep them safe
They will wake up from naps or wake up too early in the morning and you will be too exhausted to deal with them at all
They will require you to pay attention to them when you feel you cannot, and you fear the guilt and shame that suffuses you at these moments
They will touch you and you feel yourself shrinking from their touch because you feel so overwhelmed (and then, of course, feeling ashamed of this)
To a parent who has never struggled with depression and/or anxiety, these fears may sound monstrous. To a parent who has struggled with depression and/or anxiety, they sound equally monstrous, but, sadly, familiar.
If any of the above fears describe you, I will save you some Googling and tell you that there is a high likelihood that you have diagnosable depression, anxiety, or both. Sometimes you may have PTSD as well, and/or a history of childhood trauma. (People who grew up listening to horrible fighting between their parents are tremendously triggered by their kids being loud or arguing.)
It is completely understandable to fear spending time with your children and to be triggered by them if you feel completely burned out, exhausted, and like your emotional health is hanging on by a thread. Some parents joke about how much it sucks when their toddler misses a nap. But if this is no joke to you, and if your toddler missing a nap fills you with panic, dread, anger, or hopelessness, this is a different story.
The reasons why you fear your kids may include:
Undiagnosed or untreated depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, bipolar, and/or borderline personality disorder
A history of childhood trauma including growing up in a dysfunctional family
A lack of support from your partner/other family and feeling alone as a parent
A lack of sleep compounded over days and weeks
A Highly Sensitive temperament coupled with a child with a difficult temperament/at a difficult stage
A high-needs child who requires an unusual amount of attention/caregiving
Multiple children close together in age coupled with any of the above
A complete lack of confidence in yourself as a parent, usually due to inexperience with small children prior to having your own
What is not on that list and therefore is not a reason that you are scared of your kids?
Being a bad person
Being a bad parent
Being a monster who never should have had kids
That your kids are objectively terrible and worse than all other kids
Enormous, all-encompassing shame generally accompanies fear of your own children. You assume you are the only one who feels this way. But in fact it is common among struggling parents, especially among moms who are sensitive, anxious, and/or depressed.
Instead of succumbing to your shame, or pushing it out of consciousness where it will manifest in self-loathing, reach out to a therapist and a psychiatrist. A skilled therapist can validate and normalize your feelings, give you coping skills, and help you process unresolved deeper issues that are contributing to your reactions to your kids. A psychiatrist will be able to work with you to see if medication can help your physiological panic or terror (aka fight or flight) responses when you are stressed at home.
Parenting in today’s day and age is no easy feat. The isolation and pressure cannot be overstated. Give yourself a break and understand that your internal feelings about your kids and/or about spending time with your kids are a natural outgrowth of whatever experiences and internal sensitivities you have. You have not chosen to have these feelings. But you can certainly work on addressing them, which will make you a much better parent and free you from not only the fear you feel, but the accompanying guilt and shame.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, And Read This Too.
For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.